Modern Family. The Kiss.
Really guys, this was the big moment? Dude-on-dude kiss pushed off to the side and the background? I don’t want to make a big deal about this but when you, The TV Show, makes a big deal about it…I kind of have to. Right? Don’t go the Will And Grace route and start saying “cirque de so gay” or some other homo zinger every week. Can’t gay characters just be gay without making everything they do “a very special episode?” That’s what they do on Two And A Half Men!
Kirk was totally grossed out by the kiss, which was about as G as a TV show not on Disney can get. But Kirk’s been a huge homophobe ever since he had to share a trailer with Sulu. “Look, I don’t hate gays. They just give me the creeps.” Much. Better.
I decided to shut Kirk’s gay-bashing pie-hole by going beard-to-beard with Jesus. It worked. I would have kissed Kirk but his mouth is weird and he always smells like caramelized onions…and regret.
Iron Maiden: Flight 666.
Now I will be the first to admit that heavy metal is not my first choice. But Jesus has been trying to get me “to go Maiden” for years. And for years I’ve resisted. Kirk on the other hand was an easy convert: “You had me at ‘Maiden.’”
But after watching Flight 666, I certainly was impressed. Those boys really know how to put on a show.
Jesus maintains he’s been a convert since the World Slavery Tour in ‘85 and has never looked back. “They shred!” Whatever Jesus!
Half way through the movie, Bruce Dickinson is playing in front of this huge crowd and I mean HUGE. Jesus blurts out, “I miss performing.” I almost laughed but Kirk got pissed. He got all up in Jesus’ grill, “no way could you pull in those kinda crowds!” It got tense I tell ya. But then “Run to the Hills” kicked in and Kirk and Jesus just started rocking. The power of metal…impressive.
We See Jesus in the Shower!
Okay, so it’s not Jesus. It’s Kenny Powers, aka Danny McBride. But we still think the resemblance is striking: same mullet, same bikini-thong tan, and same tendency to sob in the shower. Weird, right?! What’s up Jesus’ twin?
Downtown Los Angeles. The Nickel Diner.
It’s funny how some of your worst days can turn into your best nights. Jesus had to go to court in downtown Los Angeles to settle a public urination charge. I’m telling you, those robes are nothing but trouble. Anyway, a couple hours and a probation later, we found ourselves on Main Street…hungry as we’ve ever been. That’s when we found The Nickel.
Believe it or not, they have this Maple Bacon donut and, hell…they had us at Bacon! I had two and I’m pretty sure I started tripping. Kirk actually fed Jesus one of the donut holes and I swear the room started to spin. Then we sat down on the dessert tray, surrounded by homemade pop tarts and ding dongs. I felt like I was in a HR Pufnstuf flashback. It was awesome!
Kirk said he hadn’t been that turned-on around dudes since he was partying in the grotto of the Playboy Mansion with James Caan and Lee Majors. Like I’ve said a million times before…nobody ruins a moment quite like Kirk!
Downtown LA is pretty weird…I mean where else can you get a bacon donut and some crack on the same block? To which Jesus answered, “um…in Heaven.” And the whole place busted out laughing. I mean, he’d know, right?
New York City. Kirk’s Nephew Sebastian.
You’ll probably never find three guys that know less about babies than we do. Exhibit One: we brought hand sanitizer as a baby gift! It was Kirk’s idea but Jesus and I didn’t argue. I’m pretty sure Kirk’s sister was insulted but she said thank you anyway.
Check out old Jesus. While Kirk and I are watching the baby laugh and stuff everything he can into his mouth, Jesus is eyeballing Mom. Look at him! It’s like he’s never seen a woman before. And he kept saying stuff like, “Hey the baby looks hungry…you should feed him.” He even asked, “Got milk?” TWICE. It was embarrassing.
It was all too much for Kirk, who fell asleep faster than the baby. Jesus left early because he was pissed that Mom “breast pumped” before we got there. I’m telling you the guy has some serious Mother issues.
Hanging out with a baby is a lot like watching an infomercial: you start out convinced this thing is not for you, but you keep on watching. You don’t need that, you think. Hell, you already can do all the things it does. Then something happens. Somewhere, somehow, the pitch hooks into you. Suddenly you’re thinking, how have I lived my life without that? The next thing you know you’re in a Snuggie cleaning off a counter with your ShamWow and wondering how much a Chinese baby would run you.
The circle of life, man…it is weird.
New York City.
We’re in a place called Brooklyn, which is kind of like New York—except that instead of tall buildings and Wall Street douches, it’s full of guys wearing odd-looking hats and facial hair (hipsters, Hasidic Jews…take your pick) and all the women are pushing around babies. Jesus and I fit right in but Kirk stuck out like a sore thumb. Luckily, he had a “ghetto pass”, his sister had a baby—so nobody hassled us.
Jesus said that every time he comes to New York, he always feels kind of sad and he never really knows why. “I know it’s stupid,” Jesus said as he stared at Manhattan, “but I can’ help but think of all the people living lives way better than mine.”
Ouch. Like I’ve said a dozen times, no one can punch you in the gut like old Jesus.
We looked at the buildings a little bit longer. And I started to feel like crap. Thanks Jesus.
Finally Kirk said, “I don’t know. I can’t think of any place I’d rather be than with you guys, right here, right now.” Sure it was gay and sappy and corny and all that and more. But damn if I didn’t see Jesus crack a smile.
Just when we needed it the most—Kirk to the rescue!
so awesome…on so many levels!
The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien. Jesus is Shaq. I’m Conan.
Now I don’t want to get into the whole Leno-Conan slap-fest, but suffice it to say that Jesus and I have been Conan fans for years. We are so down with Coco!
Tonight, Conan was getting nostalgic about some classic moments he’s had over the last seven months. This is when he and Shaq had a dance off. I have no idea exactly what Shaq is doing but both he and Conan fell in sync like some kind of two-man push-me-pull-you. It was both weird and wonderful.
Kirk never came out of his bedroom. He’s a Leno fan through and through. He still thinks “Iron Jay” was the funniest thing ever created. Yup, that’s his comedy bar: “Iron Fucking Jay.” Kirk likes his comedy like he likes his women…not very smart and with a big chin. Bam! I’d like to take credit for that but that’s all Jesus.
Jesus’ Ham Streak hits 17 straight days!
The Matrix. I’m The Agent. Jesus is Trinity. Kirk is Neo.
You might notice that Jesus isn’t using a gun. He hates them; and even if he didn’t, it’s not like we have one just laying around the house. That’s a fish. Jesus is blowing me away with a fish. He’s not too comfortable working with props.
NFL Wildcard Weekend. Jets Vs. Bengals.
This was a tough one. We like both teams. I think Kirk was leaning the Jets’ way—he said that Mark Sanchez was the best non-Vulcan quarterback he’d ever seen. Whereas Jesus promised that if the Bengals win, he’d changing his name to Ocho Christo.
Speaking of Jesus, that’s a hoagie you see in his right hand. A ham hoagie. Two weeks ago, Jesus had never had ham. Ever! That’s more than two millennia of being pork free. No bacon, no Spam, no pigs in a blanket. But then Kirk’s mom got us a honey-baked ham for Christmas. That thing is awesome. Little did we know, late one night Jesus made himself a little ham and Swiss sandwich. And apparently he liked it. A LOT.
Jesus has had a ham sandwich every day since. That’s when it started: “Jesus’ Ham-apalooza 2010!” Apparently, his New Year’s resolution was to eat ham for as many consecutive days as he possibly could. Can’t argue with a man with goals, can you? It’s his dream “to be known one day as the Cal Ripken of Ham.” Now that’s what I call re-branding.
